Marriage is not the problem… We are.

The more I study marriage, the more offended by society I become. I don’t think people realize how much influence the media and other outlets has on our personal relationships.

I consistently see memes and quotes about marriage that are down right terrible but in our American, let’s face it, selfish society, we eat that stuff up! I’m talking about the quotes about DESERVING happiness, DESERVING sex, DESERVING being taken care of with no reciprocation… I promise you’ve seen them too. These are the lies we let into our circle of influence. And I’m convinced that the selfish society we have created has dramatically influenced, for the worse, what marriage means in America.

My daughter and I are OBSESSED with Married at First Sight. Have you seen this show on TLC? Basically strangers are matched by experts and then without ever even meeting, get legally MARRIED!  What does this sound like… Arranged marriages, anyone? You may be thinking “How terrible!” “Why would anyone…!!” But let’s upack this for a moment shall we?

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Arranged marriages actually have a much lower percentage for failure (yep. That’s the word I chose to use). Can you guess why?

Here in modern, first world America we sure love… Ourselves. We love convenience and quick results and whatever makes us feel good. And we’re told that’s how to live a happy life! So essentially, your spouse is only here to wait on you hand and foot and you are perfectly within your rights to take, take, take. Congratulations, America. We have successfully made a nation full of narcissists, terribly entitled people that are entering into a very SERIOUS convenet.

Back to the arranged marriages… In America we “feel” like we should be free to marry who we “love”. Don’t get me wrong! I’m definitely all for that! But something we need to start realizing…and effectively teaching the next generation, is that LOVE IS A CHOICE. It is NOT just a feeling. Anyone with gray hair who has has a SUCCESSFUL marriage will tell you that there are days when it’s so much easier to hate your spouse over choosing to love them. But the people who know the secret to marriage know that you have to choose to love your spouse every single day to make it through the rough parts.

In our 8th and 9th grade classes, we teach the diffference between love and lust. This has proven not only important to the students to be taught, but we also get TEACHERS and other adults that have no idea… And we can’t teach what we don’t know. Something to think about. These are a direct circle of influence and we learn from these and other places!

I will have more on this subject later. But for now, I want YOU to think seriously about the real happiness in your marriage. And then ask yourself, is any part that is unfulfilled a direct result of the influence of lies I let into my relationship?

Make Good Choices!
Becky

With love, Becky

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Never Say… Never Say Never

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That is not a mistype, ladies and gentlemen. Never say “Never say never” has been on my heart for a few months.

I was talking with a sweet friend of mine about the marriage mentoring my husband and I do. I may have even been bragging a bit about our story and I’m sure she didn’t recieve that very well. You see, only a few minutes after telling her that I believe every single marriage has a chance, she told me her story.

My friend was married to a pastor. They were just as on-fire for marriages as my husband and I are. They had children and an entire life together and were dedicated to their works in marriage ministry as well. Guess what happened? They divorced. I’m not going to share the reasons for their divorce but I will say that the way she ended her story to me was by saying, “Never say never.”

It was like she was speaking death into my marriage and I felt fear. I was completely consumed in that moment by visions and memories of my past, my family’s past and the couples in the present we have not been able to help. She was right. It could happen to even me..

Despite what any law says, there is no such thing as a No-Fault divorce

Wait a minute! Let’s back up a second and ask a pertinent question. Why? Why do couples divorce? Why did my friend divorce?

I deeply believe in reeping what we sow and despite what any law says, there is no such thing as a no-fault divorce. That conversation left me asking myself what I’m sowing in my marriage? The fear I was feeling was from the experience I have already known from others as well as my own experience. I know that it’s possible. I know that Satan attacks where life isn’t fortified. I also know that Satan attacks where we feel safe.

I feel safe in my marriage.

My marriage is GOOD. Amazing. FORTIFIED.

But it is not safe. When we start to think of our marriage as a safe place that no one and nothing can get to, we are putting ourselves and our spouses… And our legacies in jeopardy.

On the other side of the coin, I still don’t believe divorce just happens. I think it begins with Never Saying Never.

I WILL say never. Because I will choose to replace the big “D” word with whatever pertains to the reason I might want a divorce in the moment. Maybe that word is “forgiveness” or “apology” or “love” or “vow” or “COMMITMENT.”

I want to give you permission to never say “never say never” and then truly mean it. It’s ok to not give up on the commitment that you made a little or a long time ago. Its ok to not fall into society’s “blame everyone else” mentality when things get hard. Because it will get hard (that, by the way, would be the perfect time to take responsibility for your own actions, contrary to what society says). That is guaranteed. But that never has to mean it’s over. It never has to mean that all of the hard work my husband and I have put into this marriage gets to disintegrate. And it never has to mean that I have to live in fear that someday my friend’s words will take us down.

I will choose to never say “never say never.” And you should too!

Make good choices,

Becky